Lately, I've been thinking about writing a story.
There's one idea that I've thought of... but I'm not sure if it will work. I'm currently writing this as a sort of digital memo to myself, in case I ever have time to sit down and think about it.
To make it easier on myself, I'll label each section by the day/month/year... if it drags on that long.
It's my birthday, so before we start: Happy Birthday to you..
The idea I've thought of numerous times involves a struggle for the control of your own mind. I've sometimes wondered if we actually control what we do, or if there's another kind of force that watches, and makes us do what we do... But I can't really think of it too much right now.
I just noticed that in my last entry, I put "Happy Birthday to you" despite meaning to say "me"... But it felt so natural, as if I was... someone else... wishing myself a- Never mind, on to the ideas.
I've thought of the idea a bit more overnight. I'm starting to confuse reality with a story. I've actually started to think deeply, and try to relate this to real life. If there is something that controls us, why? Is it for entertainment? Does it watch what it makes us do for fun? It's a bit scary to think about..
Apparently I woke up last night and decided to try and make an entry... but it didn't turn out well.
I searched the "message" quite in-depth to see if I could salvage what I was trying to say... but what I found was just... creepy.
Anyways, As for the story idea.
If there is something that controls what we do, does that mean it's making me question it? Am I acting on my own free will, or am I just playing into the hands of whatever is controlling me. Will I ever find out? Will I ever be in control? Am I ever in control at all?
It would all make for a great story, but I still wonder... once again.. Am I in control?
I saw that I did another entry shortly after my first one on the 13th... It was Friday the 13th, so I think a friend got into my entries and tried to trick me...
I know I didn't do it...
I don't think I did...
But it happened in the middle of the night...
Whenever I try to delete it I get an overwhelming sense of dread... as if it's an important part of my idea process.. so I'll just keep it.
I think I'm going insane.
I've been having conversations with myself ever since yesterday.
I don't know why, but I can't stop myself.
I think I should stop writing this story... I'm starting to scare myself.
I just need to tell myself I'm in control...
I'm in control.
I'm in control.
I'm in control...
The more I think about it, the more I realize just how crazy it sounds... but how true it actually feels. I think the only thing that controls a person is a ones' own subconscious... just as you'd learn from common sense.
But what if you don't want to do what your subconscious wants..? What would the outcome be of such an internal conflict. What damage would be done to yourself? I've noticed I ask a lot of questions... and I'll have to think of answers in order for a story to make sense.
What if you're not supposed to think about this? I feel as if I'm doing something wrong.. questioning my very being.
I don't want to think about it anymore, yet I have to.
Your subconscious is a powerful thing... It controls your dreams... how you feel... everything... I'm not sure if I should be messing with it.
But what if that's what it wants me to think? No, from now on... I need to think about this. But... maybe THAT is what it wants.. So... what do I want..?
I had a strange dream last night. I was just staring into a mirror. Finally, my reflection spoke.
"Why are you doing this?" Asked my reflection. I noticed that my lips moved as well as the reflection's... so I guess... I asked myself?
"Because I want to know the truth." I replied.
"I'm trying to protect you." I said to myself.
"I don't want protection... I want the truth!" I yelled... at my own reflection... at me... I yelled at myself.
"...I can wake you up."
"I know what lies beyond the illusions of your everyday life... I can show you."
Before I knew it I was opening my eyes.
And now I'm.. here?
I'm in front of my computer typing this, yet I'm not here..
What's this on my head? Why am I just now noticing this?
I'm typing... but I'm not... It's as if what I'm thinking is appearing on the screen. I see... a lot of other people... walking around me. They all look confused... just like I am.
I'm trying to speak... but I can't seem to make any words.
I... can't feel my mouth.
I'm panicking... I don't know what to do.
I see a mirror, but I can't see my own reflection. Did it get tired of me questioning it and leave me? Am I all alone now?
I can't see anything anymore... everything is just dark.
What is.. dark?
What am I doing?
Where am I?
Oh, there's light... I should walk towards it.
"No, walk the other way, you're almost there." a voice said.
Wait... that's my voice.
Suddenly, I opened my eyes.
I'm not in my house... I'm not on my computer... I'm in the hospital. I have a bandage on my head..
"You're finally awake! I was so worried!" said a woman's voice.
"What happened?" I asked.
"You.. tried to kill yourself..." she said.
"Why would I do something like that?"
"I don't know.." she said. "But you've been mumbling about 'control' in your sleep."
"How long have I been out?"
"Since September 9th."