I was born in a small town, drug addict father and single mother. Not the perfect family package. Yet little did I know this life of mine would be the beginning of a not so stereotypical life. I enjoyed my younger years. I always thought my reality was just my dreams. Then one day I hit the age to finally comprehend my own reality. My stories are going to be the rope of my past, present, and future. Enjoy them.
Age 16: I am at the age where I know what I am seeing is real. I hated seeing their faces at night, hearing their voices, and feeling their touch. Always nagging at me like a mosquito, but there wasn't just one, there was many. I didn't know what they wanted from me. I couldn't make them go away no matter how hard I tried.
Some of them were different. I enjoyed them. Felt at peace with them. One has a certain name in particular. That I shall not name. For he dislikes me stating it. It keeps things much calmer. He's my best friend you could say. I don't even want him as a best friend, but I don't have a choice. It's like a deadly disease you can't get rid of. No matter what the treatment is, you're still fatally affected. I have given up, and accepted the fact he's never leaving, and to be honest, I am very happy with that.
He first came around when I was nine. A psychic told my mother he followed her boyfriend home from the bar, but I knew that was not the truth. I know now that he came for me in particular. He is my form of protection in my eyes. Now, the ones I hate never go away. It has gotten to a point where I can't sleep at night. I always sleep with my door shut tight. For some reason that always made me feel safer when I was younger. For a week straight I woke up at 1:43 AM. No sounds, no lights, no disturbances.
I just awoke on my own. I'd find myself staring at my door, now cracked open, with a face of a young girl just staring back at me. You know that feeling when you talk in your sleep, where you can feel yourself doing it, but in reality your just mumbling, yet in your dreams you are saying the real words? That is how I felt. I was yelling, cursing out this young girl to leave me alone and let me sleep. Yet I wasn't saying anything at all. I'd wake up, thinking, "Thank God it was just a dream," to find myself looking into the young girl's face. This would go back and forth from dream to reality for about ten minutes. I still to this day don't know if it is real or a dream. Then I would finally fall back asleep.
I couldn't handle things like this. I never knew what they wanted. I don't even know what they all were, there is too many to count, or even to remember. It turns into just a blur sometimes. All I wanted was my best friend, my protection, my source of love. I wanted the one person who understood me the most and that is it. I mean, he was around me all day and night for years, so he must understand me the most right? But it didn't work that way. The more I tried to communicate with him, the more others appeared. In my car, outside my window, even at public places. I couldn't focus on my own reality anymore. There was too many disturbances.
That winter, I visited a psychic shop that I passed in a town I was on vacation in with my family. I just wanted to check it out. The books always interested me. A lady came up to me and asked me if I had ever had a psychic reading. I laughed at her, thought it was all a joke. She placed her hand on the back of my neck, and said, "Please, let me help you get through the things you have been dealing with, it will be a big help, trust him." It gave me the chills, she knew he was there. Right beside me, even if I couldn't see him, I could feel him.
I agreed and sat in a chair across from her. She just stared into space, almost as if she was looking past me, at something behind me. Yet, there was nothing, but a soft white painted brick wall. It was silent for a while. I finally got very irritated and said, "What do you want with me?" She looked at me in shock and starting talking. She explained to me that she knows how much I love him, but in this type of life, you have to accept it all, or nothing.
The more you block out what you don't want, the more what you want gets blocked with it. Almost like an electric fence. You can either get shocked yet still get to the other side hopefully with a leap of faith, or chose nothing at all on the other side of the fence. She said the upper half of my body was very uplifted, into a different dimension, my lower half of my body was earth grounded. This she said gave me the ability to chose my option. Did I want it all or nothing?
Eventually it hit the point where I couldn't handle those things anymore, I started to slowly block them out. That means he got blocked out too. I want him back, but I can't seem to grasp how to handle the things I hate. The nights where I call out for him, he just feels farther away. All I get is the faces of the unwanted.
It makes me wonder if our so called "guardian angels" or even "Gods" are real. Maybe we all are just making up this reality in our minds so that we can protect ourselves from the unwanted faces. The more positive we think, the more positive we see.
Yet no matter how hard we try to stay that way, or believe in those godly things, the unwanted still comes out. The sins begin. What if "he" is just a face, covering the truth of the unwanted in my own life? What if we humans have trained humanity over time to believe in a covered up reality with the idea of Gods and higher protective power. What if everything is the unwanted?
Written by Rope of Life