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Baggy Britches

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The following was sent in to by a user called BaggyBritches and was rejected immediately by an admin for “personal reasons”. It seems he knew about some part of the story from his everyday life, and would not host it on the site. The other admins understood, and did not intervene. I, however, thought it would be good to post here. Someone has to read this, and everyone has to know.

Huh-huh-huh-hey there kiddies! It’s your old pal Baggy Britches, the greatest clown alive! Just call me Baggy, Mister Britches was my father’s name! Hoo hoo hoo hoo! I heard you started up this here website so that you could tell eachother some scary stories about ghosts and monsters! Well, Baggy Britches has a story for you kiddies, oh yes he does! Hoo hoo hoo!

You see, Baggy Britches isn’t quite what he seems! Baggy Britches wasn’t always a clown! Baggy Britches used to be… a fireman! Yes he did! He got to play around with the big hoses and the firetrucks with the sirens that go WOO WOO WOOOOO! Hoo hoo hoo! Those were some fun times! Baggy Britches had a lot of friends back then! His name wasn’t Baggy Britches back then though, it was… um… lessee here… Ro-Ronald? Robert? It was R something… ah well. It doesn’t matter! Baggy Britches is Baggy Britches now, yes he is! Hoo hoo hoo!

One day, when ol’ Baggy Britches was doing fireman things, he got a call saying that a house not too far away had been set aflame! Place lit up like a matchstick and burned like a bad infection, hoo hoo hoo! So Baggy Britches and his team of firemen set off in their big jolly red truck to put the fire out! We were going to be heroes, oh yes we were!

We were going to be heroes.

But that’s when Baggy found him, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it kids? Baggy went into the house, helped out the man inside, the man and his wife and his kids, and he saved their lives and put the fire out, didn’t he? He went in and he sprayed his hose around. He went in and he saw where the fire started. Saw an empty kerosene container, burnt up. Saw it.

A little clown dolly. That’s what he saw. Baggy Britches went and saw a little clown dolly, untouched by the hungry flames and angry smoke. No soot, no scorches. Nothing. Baggy decided to keep him. For good luck or something like that. If this little clown couldn’t get burned, well then, neither could Baggy.

Baggy took the little dolly and put him in his big coat. He put him in his coat and he walked out of the scorched, burnt up house. He walked out past the fire trucks, past the ambulances, past the police cars. As he walked by the police cars, Baggy noticed that the man he saved was pointing at him. He was pointing and shouting “Clown.” “You took it,” he said. “Please, just get rid of it. Destroy it.” The police officers questioning the man looked at Baggy. Baggy said he didn’t know what the man was talking about. The police went back to questioning the man, using words like 'arson' and 'insanity'.

Baggy walked past his friends, walked past his fire truck. Baggy just walked home. He walked home and he put the clown on his shelf. It was looking at his bed. Baggy liked the clown, but he didn’t want it watching him sleep, so he turned it away. Baggy made a bit of dinner, watched some TV, and then went to sleep.

Baggy woke up in the middle of the night. It was… 3:00 A.M. I think. Baggy Britches’ memory isn’t so good anymore, children. Anyway, Baggy woke up and he saw the clown on the end of his bed, sitting upright. Baggy was very confused, as he had put it on his shelf before he went to sleep. Then the clown started…singing…yes, I think he was trying to sing. It came out like warbling calliope music played through glass and water. It wasn’t entirely unpleasant, really. Baggy decided he liked this little clown. I mean, who else would sing him sweet songs at night? Baggy went back to sleep, with the gargling sound of the clown’s song in his ear.

Baggy woke up the next morning feeling better than he ever did before, oh yes he did, because it was the first day in his life he would feel what I feel now, hoo hoo hoo! Baggy checked his closet for his clothes. All that was in there were some clown clothes, a multicoloured vest, a white undershirt, and big, droopy, baggy britches! Baggy britches for Baggy Britches! Hee hee heeeee! So Baggy put on his new clothes! Baggy put on his new clothes, and he went out into the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife! Baggy didn’t know why he needed the steak knife but in his mind it was better to be prepared! Plus, the steel felt cool and the handle solid. It would be good to have this with him.

So Baggy went out and he decided to visit the circus! He decided to visit the circus and put a show on for all you nice little children didn’t he? Yes he did! So he went out to the circus, and he found a nice little boy, asked his name. He said his name was Jonathan. Baggy said, “Hello, Jonathan! Would you like to play a game?”, and Jonathan said yes!

So Baggy brought him to the outskirts of the circus and he told Jonathan they were going to play a game of hide and seek! Jonathan said that was his favourite game and Baggy was so happy because that’s Baggy’s favourite game TOO, wouldn’t you know!

The kid wasn’t very good at it though.

You wanna know how I knew that?

Because it only took them about a week to find him.

And that’s the story of Baggy Britches’ first game of hide and seek, kiddies! I hope you enjoyed it, and remember to stay safe.

It wasn’t his last.

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