So… after speaking to my therapist I decided that writing a diary could actually be quite helpful after all. I’m better with typing so I guess I’ll type instead. Either way, keeping a record of everything is supposed to get things out there that I didn’t know were there. I never really liked the idea of therapy, but Dan persuaded me to go and… well, to put his mind at rest I agreed. I’ve been going for a while now. Can’t say it’s done much good, but whatever.
So let’s see… after the accident I had trouble remembering things, I was apparently found in my house just before that, claiming that I couldn’t leave or some crap. But it’s not a memory; it’s just what I was told. So that’s it. All I have to work with. That and some messed up dreams; mostly about cars- which is probably not unusual for people who've been in car accidents. So yeah. Great.
Anyway, it’s getting late. I guess I’ll write again tomorrow.
Yeah… so I didn’t write yesterday. But then nothing really came up and… well… yeah. I won’t be writing every day.
It’s been raining all day today. I didn’t go to work this afternoon as the office got flooded. Turns out they should have fixed that roof years ago.
Dan’s been quite the attentive boyfriend today, though- bringing me coffee, making me a tuna sandwich for lunch… Man, I could get used to this!
I went to the park with Dan today just for a walk. The rain’s stopped, but the office needs cleaning up so no work again today.
I thought of Peter as I watched a young boy kick a ball about, with what I assumed to have been his father. It reminded me of when we were young. Peter was always the protective older brother. I remember one time when we were playing in the back garden I kicked the ball too hard and it went straight through the neighbour’s window. The neighbour, as you can well imagine, was not happy, but Peter took the blame. Will always feel bad about that…
I think Dan has been worrying about me. I overheard him talking on the phone. He was saying that I seemed quiet and subdued. I’ll try harder to get back to normal- I really hate him worrying.
Just learned today that our landlord wants to put the house up on the market. Great… looks like we’re well and truly fucked!
Just spent past few days trying to find a decent place within our price range. Luckily Dan’s just recently been promoted. Every little helps, I guess.
We’ve found a couple of places that seem alright, which is a start. How we’re going to get somewhere at such short notice though, fuck if I know.
I also saw my therapist today… Apparently I’ve been making some good progress- whatever that means! Can’t say I’ve noticed any significant changes. As for this medication, it’s doing NOTHING for me whatsoever… I haven’t really spoken about it with Dan, but I’m pretty sure he’ll agree with me on this one. Think I might ditch it.
Okay, so today we viewed the PERFECT house! Two bedrooms- one en-suite bathroom, a nice kitchen and a good sized garden! It was amazing! In our price range and available by Sunday at the earliest! Dan and I both agree it’s exactly what we’re looking for so hopefully everything should move swiftly from here! …I might be being a little pessimistic here, but it all seems a bit too convenient… I don’t know. I guess we’ll see.
Well… this is officially the last night we’ll spend this house. I am going to kind of miss it. But at least we’re moving somewhere we actually want to go. It’s all fallen nicely into place. Tomorrow morning we’ll meet our new landlady at the house and will be given our keys. EEK!
Anyway, I should get some sleep now. I’ll probably write again tomorrow.
Today went smoothly, I’m happy to say. Our new landlady seems nice- she even bought us some fruit as a welcome gesture. Weird… People aren’t usually that nice.
It feels comfortable here, though. I think I’m going to really like it. Dan’s been excited about finally having some “guy space” with the extra bedroom. It’s only a box room, but whatever makes him happy! I personally like the kitchen- it’s light and airy which is good. Dark rooms always tend to depress me.
Oh, we’ve also been visited by a neighbour’s cat a few times today. He’s kind of cute, I have to admit. Missing half an ear though, poor thing. I wonder what happened to him.
Day two in the house and we’ve made good progress with the unpacking. Except Dan found his old remote controlled car from when he was like 10 and determined to get it working again. I’ve got to admit his persistence is admirable. It’s amazing what you find when you move. A lot of this stuff was still in boxes from when we moved into the old place.
Anyway, I suggested a quiet night in tonight to watch a film or something so we’re ordering in a pizza.
Also, it seems like there are a LOT of cats in this neighbourhood. We’ve been visited by several and I’ve seen at least 7 or 8 around! Someone likes their pussy cats!
You know, it’s weird… I mean, it’s not. That’s kind of the problem. Okay that made no sense. Basically, in horror films, for instance, it’s always the new house where weird things start to happen and the new owners get all creeped out, but nothing strange is happening here… It’s kind of weird because I feel like it should be? I don’t know, maybe it’s just quieter than what I’m used to. I’ll get used to it, I’m sure.
Ugh, I just read through that again and I am not making much sense. Need sleep!
Mr. Cadora visited today- a neighbour from across the street. He wanted to welcome us to the neighbourhood. I thought it was nice. He seems friendly. I think maybe the cat we keep seeing belongs to him and probably many of the others too. He seemed to be covered in cat fur! Made me think of Peter- he absolutely loved cats…
I saw Mr. Cadora packing his car up with old junk and stuff. I imagine he was getting rid of it. Should have asked if he’d mind dumping some stuff for us. There’s this old rug in the living room that absolutely needs to go. It reminds me of something… I don’t even know how old it is but it reeks of decay! Need something fresh and modern.
Today I’ve been thinking of Peter a lot. I really wish he were here. Life was much livelier when he was around. This house makes me think of him for some reason. I like it. I think.
Finally back at work. They’ve temporarily fixed the roof. We’re all just praying it’ll hold out. None of us can afford to be out of work at the moment. This damn rain is persistent.
Dan’s been in a bad mood this evening. I asked him what was up but he wouldn’t talk to me. Something to do with work I imagine. I never pry unless it’s necessary.
That’s weird… I thought I just heard something… It was like a weird scraping like a...
I washed the car today with Dan’s help, it was actually quite fun. We always try and spend weekends together even if we’re just watching TV cuddled up on the sofa or carrying out mundane, everyday tasks. If we do them together it can actually be quite fun.
Mr. Cadora waved to us this afternoon after we’d finished hosing down the car. He was hauling a fish tank into his house. Kind of odd now that I think about it. Oh well.
That’s weird, I keep writing about him. He reminds me of Peter somehow… I haven’t met any of the other neighbours, though I’ve seen a few of them. No sign of anyone next door, though. I didn’t think the house was empty.
I was alone in the house all day today and I just can’t help but feel like something’s off… But it’s not! Everything is perfectly normal and there’s nothing strange or spooky happening. Literally NOTHING! And that IS the problem! Why is it all so normal?
I know, I should just calm down and everything will be alright… I can hear what Peter would say now, “take a deep breath, stand back and accept things as they are” that’s what he would say…
We finally got rid of that rug, thank fuck! It was literally like something from my grandmother’s attic! I can’t even say how sick of it I was! Luckily our landlady, June, was absolutely fine with it. She apparently was of the same mind. She told me that the previous tenants had left in a hurry and some of their belongings were subsequently left behind- the rug being one of the only things salvageable. June wouldn’t say why they had to leave in such haste. She said she didn’t know the details, but… I think she knows something.
Anyhow, I suppose it really doesn’t matter.
I realise how stupid this sounds, but I would say they left because there’s something… off about this place. But the thing is, there isn’t! Absolutely NOTHING strange has happened here! Everything has been completely normal and that’s what’s unnerving me. Something’s off because it isn’t.. Ugh! I know this makes no sense and I’m not being rational. I tried to talk to Dan about it last night, but here’s the thing, when I mentioned this he looked… frightened somehow. Like he knew something. It was only for a split second. He shook it off and told me that everything was fine. I could tell he had something else to say to me, but he held his tongue. He knows something.
It’s 4 in the morning and there’s no way I can go back to sleep. I woke up about two hours ago from a nightmare. My therapist told me the dreams can be productive if I allow them. She told me they hold the key to the answers I’ve been seeking ever since that god forsaken accident. She told me to keep a diary of my dreams as well as this general diary. Apparently it can help my mind clarify things. So far I feel it’s been counterproductive, but I’ll keep trying.
At first I was driving in a town I’d never been to before and I was with an old friend of mine. We were going swimming in this lake. Everything was normal at first, but when we got into the water it started to freeze over really rapidly. I was trying to get out of the water, but I couldn’t swim fast enough. The ice surrounded me and somehow pulled me underwater. I thought I would drown but I could somehow still breathe.
I started swimming around, searching for my friend. The surface had all iced over, but it was more like glass. I looked up and the sky had turned really red.
Suddenly I saw an old car at the bottom of the lake. This alone for some reason outright terrified me to the very core, but I found myself swimming towards it anyway. I could feel the fear rising inside me as I peered in through the boot of the car and could just about make something out.
The water was getting murkier and murkier but I could still see that it was a rolled up rug. I for some reason went into an unfathomable panic. I just wanted to get away from that car. But as I tried swimming away I felt something grab onto my ankle and pull me back.
This was when I woke up. It’s stupid, I mean, it doesn’t exactly sound that horrifying. I remember now, it looked like the rug we’d just got rid of. Why am I dreaming about that?! So stupid… but it was terrifying. I’m too afraid to go back to sleep now. I think I’ll just go and watch some TV until Dan wakes up...
So unbelievably cute! Today Dan came home from work with a little black kitten! She’s so adorable! We’re still trying to decide on a name! Our little family is already growing!
I saw Mr. Cadora today and… I know this probably sounds ridiculous, but I think there’s something really odd about him… I don’t know. I’ve been watching him and he’s… Well… It’s none of my business.
Been alone in the house all day today as it’s my day off and Dan’s been at work. Ordinarily this would be the ideal time for me to enjoy having the house to myself and get some housework done, but here’s the thing, I’m left feeling fucking terrified. It’s not rational and there’s no good reason for it! I just don’t get it! This house is completely normal and I am completely fine, but everything feels wrong! I keep thinking it would be better if a door slammed by itself or something leapt off the worktop- it would actually make me feel less unnerved knowing that I’m not imagining this, but NOTHING is happening! It’s like there’s something here and it’s toying with me! I’m fucking freaking out because I constantly feel like I’m being watched and I think it has something to do with that bastard… that… Mr. Cadora! He’s not normal and I’ve been watching him for days just WAITING for some evidence- some proof that he’s up to something bad.
I read what I’m writing and I can see how ridiculous this sounds. I’m freaking out. I need to keep calm. It’s almost like…
I fucking saw that!! Shit!
Sometimes I wonder why I even try…
Mia. That’s what I’m going to call her. She’s watching me type this now…
Today Dan and I sat down to talk and apparently he thinks I’m showing signs of paranoia “again”… What the hell that’s supposed to mean I have no fucking clue! He wants to get me to a doctor to see if they can review my meds, but it’s pissing me off! I don’t know why I told him about what’s going on in the first place! He said to me, very calmly and very derogatively, that there was nothing strange about the house. I know that though! There is absofuckinglutely nothing wrong with the house! That is my problem! So… I lied. I told him that I’d seen someone in the house. It’s not a whole lie because I really may as well have! This … force or whatever it is! It’s toying with me. I’m NOT crazy!
Anyway, it didn’t make things any better… Ugh. I’m just so pissed off right now. I need to get out the house!
I feel better today. I feel like an idiot for flying off the handle like that yesterday. I apologised to Dan and he seems like he’s in a calmer mood too. I still feel the same about the house, but… I don’t know, maybe I’ll get used to it.
Anyway, I spoke to Mr. Cadora again today. He was asking about our windows and whether we’d noticed any drafts. He’d apparently had a lot of trouble with his bathroom window and had had to seal it with duct tape. (As the houses were built at the same time the windows were the same so he thought he’d ask). For some odd reason this unsettled me. I told him we hadn’t and we got into a conversation. He asked me how we were settling in and we talked about cats for a bit- apparently he had 4. The others I’ve been seeing must have come from somewhere else. I also told him about Mia. He seemed a little… envious? Maybe not.
Don’t get me wrong, the guy seems to have good intentions, but… I don’t know. He seems odd to me. I guess it’s possible he could be suffering from some mental condition… but then that doesn’t seem quite right either. He appears to be a completely average thirty-something year old. Either way, I guess I should be focusing on my life now.
Today Dan approached me and asked me about my somewhat elaborated experience I’d blurted a few days ago. He kept it quite casual, but I could tell what he was getting at. He eventually got around to asking me if I was still taking the medication I’d been prescribed. Without hesitation I assured him that I was. He didn’t say anything more about it, but I can tell he thinks that these experiences are connected to it. I mean I get it; none of this makes any sense.
Medication is stable. Don’t need a doctor to tell me that.
i saw it move! i swear to god I saw it. the wall is… wrong i know i saw the wall. i saw it move i saw it. i know its all wrong. when it fell it was when i was… i know it! FUCK!!
I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. I think I had another bad dream, but I can’t remember it. Maybe it’s a good thing too, I don’t know.
Mia is watching me intently… Cats!
Oh god… Dan believes me. He saw something too. I think I made him see it somehow. I didn’t see it, but he did!
It’s him! It’s that fucking dick! I just KNOW it! He’s been in this house and… oh god… It’s him; that Mr. Cadora. I just KNEW that there was something off about him! He’s been in this fucking house! I can… smell him! And there’s fucking cat fur everywhere upstairs…
I’ll spend the rest of the day cleaning it up. I don’t want Dan to know about this. Mia’s disappeared…
There a foul smell in the bathroom. Dan’s going to call a plumber tomorrow.
Dan’s worried about Mia. I am too, but… I don’t know… How do I tell him?
I fell asleep this evening and have just woken from a god awful dream about Mr. Cadora… I went into his house and… everywhere there were dead cats. They were hanging from the ceiling, bound with duct tape...
I freaked the fuck out, but when I went for the front door he appeared… Mr. Cadora! He grabbed me from behind and pulled me back. I fell into all this duct tape and before I knew it I was bound too.
This is when I woke up. I’m not stupid… I KNOW this was just a dream but… Shit. Maybe I’ll try and talk to Dan about it before we go to bed.
I went to work today and Dan called me during lunch to ask me how I was doing as I seemed stressed this morning. He seemed upset. Apparently the plumber sorted the drains; there was a clump of cat fur down there. My heart sank. It was Mr. Cadora… HE’D done this.
Today hasn’t been good. I completely lost it when I saw that arsehole, Mr. Cadora! He was holding a black bin-liner and I hate to think what he had in there! Dan tried to calm me down, but I was too angry. He killed my fucking cat! After apologising to that nasty piece of shit, Dan pulled me inside. He asked me what the hell I was thinking, but he doesn’t get it! Fuck! I tried to explain, but Dan’s not convinced. I’ll try and prove it…
i saw the window in a dream and its not broken. he’s a fucking liar!!1 i told dan it was
he’s been in the house again… oh god…
He’s seen it too! Finally! Dan told me that if anything else happens he’ll call the police. Someone’s been moving our stuff at night. Someone’s trying to drive me fucking insane! How will I ever prove my sanity?!
I came home from work last night and Dan was having a full blown argument with Mr. Cadora. (Apparently his name is Iain). He told that arsehole to leave us alone and to stop coming into our house at night. He of course denied ever doing such a thing, but Dan didn’t believe him- thank god!
This is definitely a strange way of putting it, but… I feel kind of… happy… Like I’ve finally been able to get him to believe. I’m not alone now.
i’m not alonne.
I woke up this morning aching all over. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I close my eyes and all I see is… pain… I realise that doesn’t make sense, but it’s the only way I can describe it. Dan’s immensely worried about me. He’s had me resting in bed all day. He hasn’t said anything, but I can tell he’s edgy. He knows we’re not alone in this house.
This is going to sound weird, of course, but I’m glad. We finally understand each other. All my hard work has paid off. Thank god. I’m not alone in this.
There’s a god awful smell in this house, but I don’t know if it’s real or if it’s just me. I tried to talk to Dan about it, but he told me he couldn’t smell anything. He’s so uptight… Now I’m kind of worried about him. Every time I enter the room he recoils as if he’s… hiding something? No… like he’s afraid of me. Or afraid of me finding out what he’s doing. I don’t know.
Dan took me to the doctor today. I woke up this morning with bruises all over my body! I know that Dan knows what’s going on here, but… I think he’s afraid to admit it. It’s like he’s desperately clinging to a thread of sanity that’s going to snap at any moment. I can see it. We can.
i got the water out i lostt it… up with the one that i got back from before whhen i fucking fell. that car i could feel me underneath with my legs broken beneath its hand. i know. i did iit. Peter…
Fuck! That god awful smell! Dan called June (the landlady)- he can smell it now too. No one knows what the hell to make of it! At least I know it’s not just me and I’m not losing my mind…
Dan asked June if there’d been anything strange reported here before we moved in. This is when I remembered what she’d said about the previous tenants. She, of course, denied it, but I don’t believe her. She’s hiding something. Perhaps more sinister than I once thought… Her and that fucker Mr. Cadora!
We’ve literally turned this place upside down searching for the source of that rancid smell only to find nothing! Dan’s been seeing someone in the house again and he’s being so secretive about it. I don’t know if he’s trying to protect me or if he just can’t admit it to himself.
I haven’t seen Mr. Cadora in days. I don’t know if he’s still around or if he’s fled. That fucker knew he was in trouble the day Dan confronted him!
I saw Dan go over to his house before leaving for work the other day. He didn’t receive an answer… I think I’ll convince Dan to go over with me tomorrow morning to check it out. If he’s not there again we’ll know he’s up to something- only a guilty man runs from the scene of the crime… so to speak.
Dan agreed to go across the street with me. We knocked but there was no answer. Dan looked in through the windows and confirmed my previous suspicions- his house looked as if he’d just up and left. This freaked Dan out. I later discovered that he saw someone in the house just last night and he had assumed it to be Mr. Cadora.
I don’t know what to think now…
Dan, what the fuck!? We’re meant to be in this together!
I’m worried. Dan’s acting really differently. He’s hiding something and I don’t know what.
I should be happy now I’m not alone in this, but…
i remember when mummy took us to the beach and daddy was
we builded sand castles. peter made the biggest one and i got jealous. when he wasn’t looking i smooshed it and peter cryed to mummy. i wasn’t soryy but daddy said i was.
i didn’t fall it was winter and
This fucking house is so oppressive! I feel like the walls will close in on us! Fucking Dan’s not talking to me! He’s acting like he’s being stalked by some… THING that apparently doesn’t exist!
I’ve seen it now too. Big, black fucking ugly creature! Not the human figure Dan describes. It guards the door and we won’t leave the house. I promise.
I’m not alone. I’m not alone. I’m not alone. I’m not alone. I’m not alone. I’m
Dan’s been so quiet. I wish he’d talk to me.
I had a bad dream. I don’t know if I should write it… It’s scaring me. I think I should…
I was waiting in the car for Dan- he’d just popped into the shop to buy something (can’t remember what). I watched people going about their business. There was a carpet shop across the road and I watched a man with a red shirt. It was then that I noticed that he had no face… I looked around for other people and noticed that they too had no faces.
I suddenly felt really panicked and tugged at my seatbelt, in an attempt to get out. I just wanted to find Dan! The seatbelt wouldn’t budge however.
This was when I heard something I haven’t heard in years… it was Peter’s voice. He said one simple word that stopped me in my tracks: “please”. I turned to him, not understanding what he meant, only to see that he too had no face. I screamed and cried and woke myself up doing so.
I feel so disturbed. Why the fuck am I having these nightmares after all these years?! I feel so defeated. My brother died 8 years ago!
I wasn’t… I didn’t even…
The creature is larger than ever and I can’t escape him. Dan still won’t talk to me. Not a fucking word. I’m worried… He won’t get out of bed and hasn’t been to work in days. I can’t get him to eat or drink. He’s completely catatonic!
I CAN’T BE ALONE IN THIS!
The police have been knocking on the door, but I can’t answer it. I’m too afraid he’ll get me.
The police got in yesterday. I kept it together. There’s no way they’d believe that we’re being stalked in our own home by some inhuman creature! They’d received worried calls from neighbours who’d reported that Mr. Cadora had been missing from his home for a few weeks and that Dan and I hadn’t been seen either.
I tried to keep calm but they gave me this… weird look. Like they know something that I don’t. They told me to stay here in the lounge while they check the house. They said they wanted to talk to Dan. I don’t think they’ll get him to talk. I’ve been trying. I hope they can help get us out of this house. And I hope.
It can’t be… It just can’t… I don’t believe what they say.
Mum’s here. She says this happened before? I don’t understand… They say that Dan is dead… They say he’s fucking DEAD! I just don’t understand. I can’t… it doesn’t make sense!
They say it’s not my fault. They treat me like I’m a child. Mum said it was the meds. She doesn’t understand! None of them do! I fixed the lock like the old one but it broke! We all lost him. All of us…
The police told my mum and I that Mr. Cadora’s body was recovered from our house… I don’t… I don’t get it. They’re saying I killed them? Mum said it happened before! WHY IS NO ONE TALKING TO ME?! They keep me in this fucking room as if I have no clue what’s going on, like I’m a child. Like I’m incapable!
I understand now. Reading through this diary only confirms my greatest fears… They were right. I killed them. I didn’t want to be alone, but here’s the thing, I have ALWAYS been alone! Every step I took I was alone... I have a… condition… The accident wiped it from my memory and I was so sure… I wasn’t a killer. I was just a girl. Things are coming back to me and… it’s late. I don’t want to write about them tonight.
I’m a monster. After all that and I was the fucking monster! I killed them… I…
I had a dream last night… Except it wasn’t a dream. Mum’s been here for me, but… she only makes me more ashamed of myself. She loved me despite all I’ve done and… even I can’t do that!
It wasn’t a dream- It was never a dream. It was a memory that I’d buried so deep I’d lost it. I’d lost me. God, I’m not even who I thought I was.
…It was midwinter and… I’d been having strange episodes. Peter only wanted to help, but he… he got too close. One night I snapped. When mum and dad weren’t home I took Peter for a drive. We were having fun, but then something changed. I felt confused, lost, afraid…
The last thing I remember from that night is running bare foot up the beach. I was lost… mum got the police out to find both Peter and I. I was frozen, but Peter… They recovered his body from the car. He was wrapped in a rug. There was a lot of blood and… no one was ever quite sure what had happened, but… it was my car and I’d been driving with Peter.
I’ll never remember the details of what happened to Peter, but I know that I am the one responsible. Mum never wanted to believe it, but… I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder and some other anxiety disorder which caused me huge paranoia…
None of this makes any sense to me. It’s like a dream within a dream. One that feels real, but you know it can’t be happening to you. Mum says I should rest, that it’s my illness and not me, but… it IS me. Whether I remember details or not I will always know that I am responsible for the death of more than one human being… I don’t know if I can live this way.
Mum’s with me still and I feel comforted. The medication’s finally stabilised and I’m calm… Well, as calm as someone in my position can be. I’m scared, but… maybe with help I will get through this. Maybe with support I will be able to rebuild my life.
I can’t sleep again. I think that maybe I could just about get my head around everything that’s happened, but… there’s one minor detail that will not let me rest… You see, my mum’s been here with me, holding my hand all the way, but the thing is… she died shortly after Peter… She killed herself…
Maybe I can leave this house tomorrow…