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An Open Letter to Susan

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Dear Susan, 

You're a bitch. 

Yes, you're a bitch. A true bitch. Don't think I'm saying that just because you broke up with me. No, I knew you were a bitch back when we were 'dating'.

I might have seen an inkling of worth in you when we first met, but a while after that, I just stayed in your vicinity because your brainlessness amused me.

That's what you were put on this earth for: amusement. Everyone enjoys a good laugh, and you deliver. Both me and God laugh at you and that's the only reason you've lived so long. 

Speaking of God, do you know what happened recently? After you broke up with me to seek a new boy to entertain, I felt a little empty. Yes, you set out to make me miserable and you halfway succeeded. You should be proud of yourself. Anyway, a man like me deserves someone better than you, so I walked up to the sky to meet my old friend God and asked him to find me a new girlfriend.  

And you should see who he got for me! One look at her and you'd feel as worthless as you should feel. Her name is Carol. She came to me in a gleaming white dress, with her light blonde hair flowing in the wind and her bare legs exposed.

When I saw her, I knew this was the woman I deserved. After all my suffering, after years of trying to prove myself, this was my reward at last. The night we met each other, I invited her into my room and we fucked. We fucked a glorious fuck. 

She certainly could fuck better than you. Can't you do anything right? OK, your stupidity is hilarious as opposed to most other people whose stupidity is just pathetic. Carol's aware of the stupidity too, in fact, it's one of the many things we like to talk about. The stupidity of our neighbours, the stupidity of our politicians and even your stupidity. Yes, I've told her all about you, and Carol says you're a bitch too. I like that word.  

bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch 

So, anyway, last week, I was at work, and aiding the machinations of a mundane and useless corporation was beginning to tire me. Carol knew me, and she knew when I was bored, so she came to me while I was typing away for my dullard employer and upon seeing her, we immediately began to make out, which lightened my spirits so. I don't seem to recall you ever doing anything in that vein.

As we were making out, one of my co-workers came in and he laughed at me. He stood there and laughed his guts out right in front of me. The nerve! If anything I should be laughing at him. Fortunately, my dear Carol made him shut up. In fact, she made him cry, and we all had a good laugh at it. 

This act ended up getting me fired, but I'm glad. I was beginning to get tired of those shit-eating, mindless, bumbling fuck-heads who deserve to die of cancer while being raped and tortured. If their mothers had any sense, they would have all had abortions. 

But I know you made that guy laugh at me. You paid him, didn't you? You wanted to make me look bad just so you could feel better about yourself. Why can't you just accept you're nothing? 

And what about last night? Yes, last night. Me and Carol were fucking and fucking good, and then, the door burst open and these goblins appeared. Little green goblins.

Giggling green goblins. They giggled at us, and one even had a video camera. Then they began dancing around and gibbering like primitive tribesman, rasping at us. 

You sent them too, didn't you? I don't know where you got them - though they probably crawled out of your ass crack - but I know they're yours. Part of a joke. 

Well here's a joke: you're worthless. 

That's right, your worth has ran out. Just ask God. I talked with him after the goblins and he told me you were just  compensating for being worthless. He doesn't think you're funny anymore, and he wants you to die. Since we're such good friends, he wants me to kill you.

Don't think you can get away, because I'll know where you are. I'll throttle you, staring at your ugly face while doing so to make my Carol seem all the more beautiful, and then when you finally die, Carol and I will take off all our clothes and fuck right on your corpse, while thinking about how you'll be brutally raped in Hell while my good friend God laughs and laughs and laughs bitch bitch bitch bitch



PS. Can I have my watch back?  

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